It is my first post in a while, so this is probably an appropriate subject for it. I got yelled at today by a friend. He had every right to tell me off, but I suppose it was the way in which he said some things that have flagged a few disguised resentments. It's happened before with my Aunt, and my Mother. It has to be something to do with my timid outward appearance that makes people so high, they can't resist the power boost. I usually say nothing. It's not nice.
This doesn't happen for most people I assume. Clearly I have some very strange social interactions being pretty much friendless. I have been especially sad lately because the girl I liked and who I though liked me has not returned any of my messages. I think I wasn't made to have relationships, romantic, friendship, or otherwise. Overall I'm okay with that. I could live happily by myself for many many years (seriously happy not just peaceful or quiet actually living it up alone - a one man 'party' (not that parties are much fun in the first place)) without another soul. However life doesn't work that way.
All I encounter, all I can see these days, are other people's barriers. Sure I have my own but they're usually to do with social paranoia. This may be a counter attack of my social anxiety I suspected myself of having many weeks ago.
There are a lot of responsibilities and pressure on me to interact and do well, contribute to society and all of that. Well frankly I would rather operate behind the scenes. I would rather spend weeks alone developing something amazing, something like art, or lurking without speaking.
I probably shouldn't post something like this.
You can see that I internalize things a lot. You would too...
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
summer holiday summary
I may have over done it today. getting up at 8am to go bike riding with Ken at 9am. Then lots of coffee and some games. I have mainly been watching black books though. I did a little bit of drawing and painting. It's surprising how attracted my eyes are to green on red. Using very vibrant green it shows up however with my red-green color blindness it is also hidden, creating this vague effect like a blurring around the edges. It feels most like it is under the cloaking field that Douglas Adams invented. But that's just today. Heaps more has happened since my last post.
Recently I picked up a book called The Artist's Way. Although heavily Christian, despite declaring that it is not, it has excellent regimes to follow for reviving the creativity that often gets crushed living in this cruel world. I have been writing for about 1/2 an hour every morning about anything that comes to mind. Sadly this has been mostly filled with recent event scribblings like a diary. It will begin however to progress into more fantastical reference points or complete nonsense, either is fine with me - as long as it's not boring. There are numerous other exercises which I will read about. I need to go find it again in the Library.
Searching for jobs is so tedious. The advertisements need some sort of management level language deciphering. It takes about 5 minutes to read each one in my head with a comprehension of about 20% by the end of it. I mostly just read the title and check for 'required: 1 billion years experience'.
I went to my aunt's place for the weekend while it was still school holidays. We had epic fun and I got away from internet and tv for a few days. I tried doing that here and made it until about 4pm before I gave up. I was also depriving myself of coffee at the same time and I didn't eat anything after 2130 the night before so my liver could work on cleaning my blood during the night and I could fall asleep by around 2330 and wake up at 7-730. Didn't work. Will try again some other time. Anyway at my aunt's place I did a lot of reading and painting. It was so relaxing. I hope I can bring some of that state of mind back with me.
I'm going to mess with my mate's head next time we go for drinks and order something completely different like house wine or spirits mixed with soft drink. He'll never expect it.
I'm back up to 2k kgs after a bit of a slump in my go playing abilities. It was a huge help once again to play blitz games and to have someone else compliment me on my playing. That's something I need to work on in real life. Compliments are a very nice thing to dish out, but I rarely give them because by the time I've analyzed all the possible bad connotations it might have if I remark on an item of clothing or a hairstyle or jewelery the moment will have passed. Is it a bad thing to compliment someone who is older or more powerful in some way, such that they might construe it to be meaningless pandering? Or what about if it's too girly for me to say? Honestly I would rather not mind and say it regardless, however manliness is a huge thing in a lot of people's minds. Messing with their conceptions is not recommended. I need a lot of practice and maybe some confidence.
I forgot to mention all the other stuff that has kind of turned into a background thrumm of activity. I've been playing SC2 a lot and it's gotten quite boring. I want to learn to play better as the other two races, protoss and terran but it's easy to get into a rut with them. With zerg there is always something that needs to be done. p and t just waits around for most of the game, making inefficient / insignificant actions.
I rearranged my room. It is a lot more open now.
For a long time I thought about our systems of government and the effects of free trade and capitalism. This is me ricocheting off the Zeitgeist Movement movies. And essentially I think that it's one thing to delve into conspiracy theory talk with a lot of things that surely have factual evidence, but at the same time neglecting a lot of other important terms in the equation. A resource based economy is a great idea but it implies birth control through law and through contraceptives. This is not acceptable to many religious groups and how does a budding Venus Project city do trade with countries who have the resources that they need but need something in return. Inevitably that something will be money.
The gold standard was destroyed and people have been crying and complaining since, not ever fully understanding the underlying cause. As well as the spiritual implications behind the Zeitgeist Movement, a lot of the stuff about humans having so much in common with one another that they should learn to be able to see that spiritual side to every person and connect. It's a desirable ideal. Like the final words of Steven, the old worker in Hard Times, if we could only understand one another better. That would certainly make the world a better place. Unfortunately not everyone shares those same ideals. Many materialistic people or people driven by clear cut principles will disrespect mutual understanding so that they can live in the gap caused by hate and turmoil.
Enough talking about it. I will start going around in circles very soon. I think that it's not something worth dwelling on. It is better to acknowledge the possibility of a resource based economy and then do our best with what we have. The restrictions include the mindset of the elder generation. They have to be respected too. They are people and my views are not significantly better or worse than that of others. There is no proof of idea to be found. However there is important lessons to be learned. I already thought that I was a very considerate human being. I focused on problems and thought about them long and hard before coming up with any course of action. The decision would be balanced. However I was wrong in many of my decisions and they required re-thinking. Just like in statistics assumptions need to be double checked every time.
Take my words internet. Take them and do with them what you will.
Recently I picked up a book called The Artist's Way. Although heavily Christian, despite declaring that it is not, it has excellent regimes to follow for reviving the creativity that often gets crushed living in this cruel world. I have been writing for about 1/2 an hour every morning about anything that comes to mind. Sadly this has been mostly filled with recent event scribblings like a diary. It will begin however to progress into more fantastical reference points or complete nonsense, either is fine with me - as long as it's not boring. There are numerous other exercises which I will read about. I need to go find it again in the Library.
Searching for jobs is so tedious. The advertisements need some sort of management level language deciphering. It takes about 5 minutes to read each one in my head with a comprehension of about 20% by the end of it. I mostly just read the title and check for 'required: 1 billion years experience'.
I went to my aunt's place for the weekend while it was still school holidays. We had epic fun and I got away from internet and tv for a few days. I tried doing that here and made it until about 4pm before I gave up. I was also depriving myself of coffee at the same time and I didn't eat anything after 2130 the night before so my liver could work on cleaning my blood during the night and I could fall asleep by around 2330 and wake up at 7-730. Didn't work. Will try again some other time. Anyway at my aunt's place I did a lot of reading and painting. It was so relaxing. I hope I can bring some of that state of mind back with me.
I'm going to mess with my mate's head next time we go for drinks and order something completely different like house wine or spirits mixed with soft drink. He'll never expect it.
I'm back up to 2k kgs after a bit of a slump in my go playing abilities. It was a huge help once again to play blitz games and to have someone else compliment me on my playing. That's something I need to work on in real life. Compliments are a very nice thing to dish out, but I rarely give them because by the time I've analyzed all the possible bad connotations it might have if I remark on an item of clothing or a hairstyle or jewelery the moment will have passed. Is it a bad thing to compliment someone who is older or more powerful in some way, such that they might construe it to be meaningless pandering? Or what about if it's too girly for me to say? Honestly I would rather not mind and say it regardless, however manliness is a huge thing in a lot of people's minds. Messing with their conceptions is not recommended. I need a lot of practice and maybe some confidence.
I forgot to mention all the other stuff that has kind of turned into a background thrumm of activity. I've been playing SC2 a lot and it's gotten quite boring. I want to learn to play better as the other two races, protoss and terran but it's easy to get into a rut with them. With zerg there is always something that needs to be done. p and t just waits around for most of the game, making inefficient / insignificant actions.
I rearranged my room. It is a lot more open now.
For a long time I thought about our systems of government and the effects of free trade and capitalism. This is me ricocheting off the Zeitgeist Movement movies. And essentially I think that it's one thing to delve into conspiracy theory talk with a lot of things that surely have factual evidence, but at the same time neglecting a lot of other important terms in the equation. A resource based economy is a great idea but it implies birth control through law and through contraceptives. This is not acceptable to many religious groups and how does a budding Venus Project city do trade with countries who have the resources that they need but need something in return. Inevitably that something will be money.
The gold standard was destroyed and people have been crying and complaining since, not ever fully understanding the underlying cause. As well as the spiritual implications behind the Zeitgeist Movement, a lot of the stuff about humans having so much in common with one another that they should learn to be able to see that spiritual side to every person and connect. It's a desirable ideal. Like the final words of Steven, the old worker in Hard Times, if we could only understand one another better. That would certainly make the world a better place. Unfortunately not everyone shares those same ideals. Many materialistic people or people driven by clear cut principles will disrespect mutual understanding so that they can live in the gap caused by hate and turmoil.
Enough talking about it. I will start going around in circles very soon. I think that it's not something worth dwelling on. It is better to acknowledge the possibility of a resource based economy and then do our best with what we have. The restrictions include the mindset of the elder generation. They have to be respected too. They are people and my views are not significantly better or worse than that of others. There is no proof of idea to be found. However there is important lessons to be learned. I already thought that I was a very considerate human being. I focused on problems and thought about them long and hard before coming up with any course of action. The decision would be balanced. However I was wrong in many of my decisions and they required re-thinking. Just like in statistics assumptions need to be double checked every time.
Take my words internet. Take them and do with them what you will.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Just as I knew you would
It couldn't last, could it? Nothing has changed but my outlook. Suddenly my mind does not understand 'lets go out and have fun' with other people. Instead I want to stay home and crawl up into a little corner.
I am majorly confused with all of my newest relationships. The easiest to understand is the most devious and simultaneously annoying. I misunderstood something last time we met and the entire elaborate structure collapsed into a pile of rubble, then collapsed further by elementary reactions into some sort of mush like a cooking experiment gone wrong. Somehow I still believe in it, that it could work so ridiculously easily. What should I do about it? I may even be seeing the person today.
I don't know whether I've stated this before. Hope is my least favorite emotion of all time. It's like a puff of air so immaterial and yet drives everyone to do the stupidest things. I learned this the hard way.
False hope is even worse unless you know that it is false hope, in which case it becomes like a drug where you know the detrimental effects already like smoking.
Enough angsting! I have decided that I will be getting a new short haircut! I love having long hair. It's a hassle but it looks way cool. I don't know how girls manage to grow it so long and keep it that way. So I've decided that I don't actually care about devilish good looks and will be getting it cut off as soon as the sky clears and it turns into scorching heat, in about 3-4 days I expect.
NaNo post to follow :3
I am majorly confused with all of my newest relationships. The easiest to understand is the most devious and simultaneously annoying. I misunderstood something last time we met and the entire elaborate structure collapsed into a pile of rubble, then collapsed further by elementary reactions into some sort of mush like a cooking experiment gone wrong. Somehow I still believe in it, that it could work so ridiculously easily. What should I do about it? I may even be seeing the person today.
I don't know whether I've stated this before. Hope is my least favorite emotion of all time. It's like a puff of air so immaterial and yet drives everyone to do the stupidest things. I learned this the hard way.
False hope is even worse unless you know that it is false hope, in which case it becomes like a drug where you know the detrimental effects already like smoking.
Enough angsting! I have decided that I will be getting a new short haircut! I love having long hair. It's a hassle but it looks way cool. I don't know how girls manage to grow it so long and keep it that way. So I've decided that I don't actually care about devilish good looks and will be getting it cut off as soon as the sky clears and it turns into scorching heat, in about 3-4 days I expect.
NaNo post to follow :3
Saturday, November 6, 2010
A social life!?
I can't believe what is happening to me. Since when did I become even minorly popular. It's not like I have the same sort of social life as most other people, like my little sister, social butterfly that she is, but I'm meeting so many new people and right at the time when I have no time!
It's exam period. I have to ration what I do with a heavy dose of studying every day. Although the past two nights I have spent watching tv (tonight) and reading teh atlas (last night) obsessively almost for 5 hours. I spent this afternoon reading through an HSC text, English Canon I think it is called and this morning playing Dwarf Fortress after the trader gave me a bad deal and I ragequit the game that I had been playing. I had a poorly laid out fortress that was virtually impossible to defend but was successfully making adamantium goods.
Meanwhile I'm meant to be writing my novel. It has been going really well so far. I've come to terms with a lot of the 'don'ts' of NaNoWriMo very quickly - most of them are just remembered. So now I'm moving on to a seriously structured story.
What does that have to do with a social life?... well, I've met so many writers through NaNoWriMo and have been wanting so much to just spend hours chatting with some of them. I even had a dream about one, but I'll leave that as a secret so I don't frighten him/her. I may even tell the person. It should be considered an honor to be promoted to figment of my imagination! (and real life human too :P)
On top of that I have met so many wonderful people this year at university. I mean, there are only really a small number but they are so nice and full of character that it's impossible to belittle any. I need to keep in contact is what the little voice in my head is telling me.
It's exam period. I have to ration what I do with a heavy dose of studying every day. Although the past two nights I have spent watching tv (tonight) and reading teh atlas (last night) obsessively almost for 5 hours. I spent this afternoon reading through an HSC text, English Canon I think it is called and this morning playing Dwarf Fortress after the trader gave me a bad deal and I ragequit the game that I had been playing. I had a poorly laid out fortress that was virtually impossible to defend but was successfully making adamantium goods.
Meanwhile I'm meant to be writing my novel. It has been going really well so far. I've come to terms with a lot of the 'don'ts' of NaNoWriMo very quickly - most of them are just remembered. So now I'm moving on to a seriously structured story.
What does that have to do with a social life?... well, I've met so many writers through NaNoWriMo and have been wanting so much to just spend hours chatting with some of them. I even had a dream about one, but I'll leave that as a secret so I don't frighten him/her. I may even tell the person. It should be considered an honor to be promoted to figment of my imagination! (and real life human too :P)
On top of that I have met so many wonderful people this year at university. I mean, there are only really a small number but they are so nice and full of character that it's impossible to belittle any. I need to keep in contact is what the little voice in my head is telling me.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
it begins...
So yesterday I met 2 lovely new Nanoers, Elle and Andrew. I had coffee at the coffee club between Hyde park and Town Hall station with them and Nick. I complained about the price of coffee, $4.80 for a (well made) large cappuccino, and they said it was normal lol. Usually I bring my coffee to uni with me cold and black in a hip flask, for about 10 cents for coffee twice as strong and almost certainly unburnt. It was a nice change of pace from playing Dwarf Fortress all day. It started raining too, a really nice spring rain in amidst the crazy stormy weather we've been having.
I'm now lots more excited about NaNoWriMo. I was forced to plan a lot last night, with the pressure of other writers surrounding me. It was very productive and I now have some idea about the plot (for the main story - I'm going to do a bunch of short stories as well and see how far I can get in just 16.5 days). I don't want to reveal it here, but at least Nick approved of my main character that I'm the least sure about.
Andrew turns out to be a Science (Maths and Computer Science) graduate, so it was great learning about his life outside of uni. He's only been out and about for a year. He's a Doctor Who fan, like myself. I even explained how I'd love it if the companion were to be irrevocably changed by the Doctor's putting her into danger. That of course conflicts with the episodic nature of the show, but it's a great story idea. It creates a story arc like many superhero comics. Anyway, it's super cool to sit around in a cafe with similarly socially defective people. Whenever we didn't feel like talking we bunkered down and wrote as much as we could on the story. For once I felt like I fit in even though the waitress seemed very confused by it all.
I was on the train ride home and some old chinese woman noticed me making origami. I gave her 4 little folded pieces to take home. She was fairly happy about it, but I couldn't make any more than that in the time... All my origami is very complicated, so since learning that I've been searching for some more pieces I can do almost as a performance art. It helps to have someone looking on your work as an objective viewpoint, even if it is only an old chinese lady on the train.
Today has been very windy. I don't like windy days.
I'm now lots more excited about NaNoWriMo. I was forced to plan a lot last night, with the pressure of other writers surrounding me. It was very productive and I now have some idea about the plot (for the main story - I'm going to do a bunch of short stories as well and see how far I can get in just 16.5 days). I don't want to reveal it here, but at least Nick approved of my main character that I'm the least sure about.
Andrew turns out to be a Science (Maths and Computer Science) graduate, so it was great learning about his life outside of uni. He's only been out and about for a year. He's a Doctor Who fan, like myself. I even explained how I'd love it if the companion were to be irrevocably changed by the Doctor's putting her into danger. That of course conflicts with the episodic nature of the show, but it's a great story idea. It creates a story arc like many superhero comics. Anyway, it's super cool to sit around in a cafe with similarly socially defective people. Whenever we didn't feel like talking we bunkered down and wrote as much as we could on the story. For once I felt like I fit in even though the waitress seemed very confused by it all.
I was on the train ride home and some old chinese woman noticed me making origami. I gave her 4 little folded pieces to take home. She was fairly happy about it, but I couldn't make any more than that in the time... All my origami is very complicated, so since learning that I've been searching for some more pieces I can do almost as a performance art. It helps to have someone looking on your work as an objective viewpoint, even if it is only an old chinese lady on the train.
Today has been very windy. I don't like windy days.
Monday, October 4, 2010
deconstructing the rose
It is October, almost time for NaNoWriMo. I'm really looking forward to it. I don't have a plotted out story in mind yet but I'm sure it will be a good one. I have a feeling that the quality this year is going to be much higher than last. Then afterward (after a brief editing) I'll get started on the real stuff. Because NaNo this year coincides with graduation from university with a meager maths degree (i.e B Sci (Major in Maths)).
I found an origami rose in the park last Tuesday and have been trying to deconstruct it. I have restricted myself from peeking at the fold pattern and hence it is a very challenging game. Yesterday I came so close. There are a lot of basic folds on the outside, I just don't know how to twist it into shape. The flaps that are meant to form have not yet made themselves apparent. I'll keep trying, but maybe I should be doing my homework first.
I have two assignments, Dynamics and Quantitative Risk. They are both kind of simple. Quantitative Risk I will probably spend a lot of today doing, because yes it has answers, but they have to be explained in a choosy way and I take ages to choose anything. Dynamics just has answers. Wrong or right.
Yes I know I have problems interacting with people. Last Thursday I had dinner with the Unibuds Decoration department at JL's apartment. It was so much fun and I even flirted a little with the girl that I like. It's a little bit unfortunate that she is a graduate with honors and I'm still studying. I even had this conversation with a friend last weekend. Once I finish uni and get a job I know I'll be a whole lot more confident and have a more active social life. I'm still paralyzed mostly by how horrible relationships can turn out, and what people might think of me if I even suggest dating. And btw I suck at dating. I never know what to do.
no time even for this.
Smoke me a Kipper, can you do that?
I found an origami rose in the park last Tuesday and have been trying to deconstruct it. I have restricted myself from peeking at the fold pattern and hence it is a very challenging game. Yesterday I came so close. There are a lot of basic folds on the outside, I just don't know how to twist it into shape. The flaps that are meant to form have not yet made themselves apparent. I'll keep trying, but maybe I should be doing my homework first.
I have two assignments, Dynamics and Quantitative Risk. They are both kind of simple. Quantitative Risk I will probably spend a lot of today doing, because yes it has answers, but they have to be explained in a choosy way and I take ages to choose anything. Dynamics just has answers. Wrong or right.
Yes I know I have problems interacting with people. Last Thursday I had dinner with the Unibuds Decoration department at JL's apartment. It was so much fun and I even flirted a little with the girl that I like. It's a little bit unfortunate that she is a graduate with honors and I'm still studying. I even had this conversation with a friend last weekend. Once I finish uni and get a job I know I'll be a whole lot more confident and have a more active social life. I'm still paralyzed mostly by how horrible relationships can turn out, and what people might think of me if I even suggest dating. And btw I suck at dating. I never know what to do.
no time even for this.
Smoke me a Kipper, can you do that?
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I am confuxed
Why oh why do I have to choose now to mull over the BIG questions in my mind, such as what are my goals, why are other people the way they are, what am I going to do after I leave uni, what should I take away from all this Maths???? It is becoming more and more amazing the deeper I get into it, and yet there is absolutely no time to study anything in detail.
It's partly because I have a speech tomorrow. I have no idea what my buddy is going to say, and I'm even more perplexed because our speech is meant to be mathematically based and yet it contains no maths. No equations, no graphs, nothing. My buddy is absolutely certain about his side of the topic but we're missing the entire point.
I just want to play. These are way too many pressures to put onto a 21yo.
It's partly because I have a speech tomorrow. I have no idea what my buddy is going to say, and I'm even more perplexed because our speech is meant to be mathematically based and yet it contains no maths. No equations, no graphs, nothing. My buddy is absolutely certain about his side of the topic but we're missing the entire point.
I just want to play. These are way too many pressures to put onto a 21yo.
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