I am confuxed

Why oh why do I have to choose now to mull over the BIG questions in my mind, such as what are my goals, why are other people the way they are, what am I going to do after I leave uni, what should I take away from all this Maths???? It is becoming more and more amazing the deeper I get into it, and yet there is absolutely no time to study anything in detail.

It's partly because I have a speech tomorrow. I have no idea what my buddy is going to say, and I'm even more perplexed because our speech is meant to be mathematically based and yet it contains no maths. No equations, no graphs, nothing. My buddy is absolutely certain about his side of the topic but we're missing the entire point.

I just want to play. These are way too many pressures to put onto a 21yo.

serious fears

I've had some time to think, while I was wondering around the suburbs north of Lewisham looking for the Aboriginal art exhibition last night. I'm ashamed to admit that I misread the address and spent the night looking for Leichardt St, Leichardt (note that there is a Balmain St in Balmain just one imaginary suburb line away). Um, besides looking around actively for place names I was also partly withdrawn into my head thinking deeply about my poor social skills. I second guess everything that I do and everything that other people do around me. I can't hold a persons stare when they are just walking down the street, although I usually prefer a lot of eye contact while conversing because I can read so much more from people's eyes than body movements... TMI? I'm going to stop the details right there.

It is a serious problem. It's the source of a lot of anguish for me, because mentally I can't get close to anyone without hurting myself through this tirade of second guessing and feeling like an idiot. I long for the day when I can overcome those anxieties and stop being so hard on myself.

I have previously had occasion when this sort of cycle doesn't even start. I am left during those times with a big question, am I really being me? I want to do the best that I can and as soon as I start to analyze the situation in which I am socially more able the feeling I get is familiar and comfortable. I need this scorn because it is part of me and pushes me to be better. Nevertheless I don't get any enjoyment out of speaking to anyone anymore. It's like we operate on completely different wavelengths. I'm the only one tuned in to this station, and instead of seeing similarities (which are usually quite shallow) all I can see in people are major differences, neither good nor bad things but incompatible.

Something's wrong.

University content

SOooo I have been reading a book called "Traders, Guns and Money" about the world of derivatives and the system of banking / stock markets etc. It complements my course on Quantitative Risk but I'm struggling. The entire subject is so convoluted, like learning english, except that this time there are meant to be some rules. We're still dealing with numbers aren't we? I'm not sure anymore.

I would like to instead spend time doing silly integration exercises for my Complex Analysis course and just to remind myself of all the things I've forgotten. At some point I'll have to face up to this weird quality of having a bad memory. Things just get pushed out after all the information I absorb on a day to day basis. Hopefully I'll be able to sustain it with exercises until the end of session, when I am due to graduate. At least now I have a little time and the motivation to complete all my assignments early.

I'm really enjoying my free time, listening to FBI radio. I find it difficult to distinguish between each of the electronic songs but I'm getting used to them. Writing down the song titles and listening proactively to where it came from helps enormously.

Today I waited until about 12:30 to have my first coffee of the day. I am pretty pathetic in that I can't go very long without one. I am going to give tea a try, since coffee seems to make me sleepy by about 1300-1400 each day. Monkeys (most mammals actually) take naps in the middle of the day in order to stay alert until the night time. It would have been best if I just stuck to my schedule. Instead I tried this during the holidays and totally screwed with my sleeping patterns.

There is an art gallery exhibition next week, Wednesday is the opening night but the exhibition really starts on the Tuesday. Ken volunteers for Amnesty International and he has organized a lot of it. Hopefully my dad will also be able to come. The theme is something from the declaration of rights of indigenous peoples, or something, and an artwork from each student about that. Even though the students are not all indigenous they have done it in the style of Aboriginal art. I love the type of abstract symbolism used by aboriginals, their depiction of river systems is the most natural form I have ever known. Using little dabs of paint on the ends of sticks they create wonderfully flowing dreamlike paintings. I have attempted a little to make some similar styled pieces myself, but there are many nuances that I notice each time I try to mimic. Their blending of color is rare but quite incredible and detailed even though it looks like a blur (as good blending should).

temporary tattoos

I applied a temporary tattoo to my arm today. It was a silly thing to do since I wore my heavy coat and nobody saw it. I'm hoping to show it off at least for a short time today at dinner. Ken and Judith have invited me over, Margaret will be there too. I was so happy when I discovered this little booklet of really cool little tattoo designs in a little store in Campsie. They bring back childhood memories, except that this time instead of applying little crazy faces or australian flags to my face and body (boy the neck and cheek was a mistake you only make once) I have a range of flowers, butterflies, and abstract designs to choose from!

Subwoofer Train

Today I went into uni really early. The train was packed so I hopped on the first carriage. Some loud mouthed young boys with rat tails were looking in at the driver, "Cool, I can see the tracks." Said one. In retrospect they had a good reason for peeping in. We rode in silence, the boys had left. The only sound was the faint electronica of the driver's favorite radio station muffled by the door. The song changed to some really girly RnB and the driver started singing along with it! He drowned out the lead female vocalist, rhianna or someone, I think the song was something about being high... The weirdest thing though, was that I was the only person in the standing carriage that smiled. I couldn't stop my mind from running ahead, that bus driver must moonlight as the subwoofer train, you can hear it coming by the faint doof doof radiating from the tracks for kilometers ahead.

Social phobia reared it's head again today. I couldn't talk properly to Elaine, she is always sitting with Steven, who I know is a good guy but the problem is he hardly ever smiles. So every time I talk to either of them I feel like I'm being judged, which makes it even more likely (I can feel my face contorting involuntarily into little creases of worry). It doesn't help that I get no time to speak with either of them during class. Maybe I should tag along with them after class next time, I don't know. Anyway I learned that she volunteers for FBI radio! So cool! To be able to meet all the faces behind the voices would be epic.

Umm, I've been listening to Beach House recently. They were recommended to me several months ago by the guy at JB Hi Fi, along with a bunch of other bands. For some reason I kept forgetting their name but a quick clean of my room on the weekend overturned the tiny slip of paper he had written on. They are really good, definitely not the most experimental but pleasant to listen to and some of the best indie artists I've heard. Check em out! They're on YouTube obviously!

Likes, interests?

Dear diary, upon which I spew stories to become internet trash the moment they are published. How are you? You look stunning in that new design. Don't listen to what those other sites are saying about you. They are just trying to fit in.

Today I saw Salt at Hurstville Cinema. It tickles, to say the least. There are many aspects that fit the standard formula for an action movie, including the 'don't know how to aim' shooting scenes, and ridiculously high suspense building. The story is a little different. You can't trust the main character (and only really keen readers will be able to glean a spoiler from that statement).

I signed on to facebook the other day, nothing much happens there except for the really active facebook users and they are uninteresting because they spend all their time online. It made me appreciate how much I prefer my blog.
One of the things I couldn't bring myself to complete was listing all my favorite movies, tv shows, books, music and interests. Seriously, anyone who wants to find out about me can just ask... Otherwise I'm just adding to a bunch of unreliable statistics. They are the things I should be yelling about in blog form!

kind regards,
- Michael

Double party weekend

The last two nights have been spent socializing at my little sister's 18th birthday parties. There were two of them one for each side of the family.
I somehow got through my first party, where I had to avoid the person from whom I was sitting directly opposite. That was not difficult, I am a master at tolerance of that sort. I'm being mean here but I don't care if she was unnerved by that ability or not, I assume she did the same. I spent the night talking to my cousins mainly. Hehe, even the little one thought I was funny when I was drunk (I have a much more loose usage of this term - I had 3 drinks and was already starting to slur my words). I may have even gotten some of them interested in go.
I held the camera for a lot of the night. I need to learn to take more pictures and have a lot of throw-aways. Trying to get the best shot does not always work out well if it blurs for example. Grandad had a lot to say about his work (philosophy), which I listened to rapt. The subject matter is so much more interesting that his previous projects. He is investigating the idea that everything is interconnected from the point of view of western philosophy. It is a very old idea that never was given much attention. Basically the greeks had a god for it, Gaia.

The second party was last night, my mother's shindig at home. Some of the guys and girls there (direct friends of my sister) are very immature party types. I was glad to have a buddy I could rely on while I was there. Albert and I went into my room and played music, there is especially one song UMO by OOIOO with such a funny video clip we couldn't stop laughing for minutes after the song. I drank only spirits, even though I was looking forward to a night of wine but that's not possible with my sister's friends around.. A bit of it is still in my system and I can't think straight. I am not extroverted, and am still drained from last night. Alcohol is a silly thing, although I do appreciate being able to speak more freely and not be so stressed about saying and doing the right things the conversation is very much diminished. I prefer the opposite side of things, coffee highs will make you speak really quickly and usually coherently. We had horrible music, with excessive bass. I couldn't recognize barely any of the songs my sister had chosen. I was a little surprised because her taste in music is good.
The cake was beautiful. The speeches were a continuous stream of laughter and claps at the expense of some people's dignity.

I guess I learned a lot about how to behave at parties, but it doesn't make me appreciate them any more. I probably would have preferred to go to Bodhi Nite Thank You dinner hosted by the executive commitee, at least then I could have played around (verbally!) with the girl that I like.
The most important part of being all grown up is being able to choose your friends...