I've had some time to think, while I was wondering around the suburbs north of Lewisham looking for the Aboriginal art exhibition last night. I'm ashamed to admit that I misread the address and spent the night looking for Leichardt St, Leichardt (note that there is a Balmain St in Balmain just one imaginary suburb line away). Um, besides looking around actively for place names I was also partly withdrawn into my head thinking deeply about my poor social skills. I second guess everything that I do and everything that other people do around me. I can't hold a persons stare when they are just walking down the street, although I usually prefer a lot of eye contact while conversing because I can read so much more from people's eyes than body movements... TMI? I'm going to stop the details right there.
It is a serious problem. It's the source of a lot of anguish for me, because mentally I can't get close to anyone without hurting myself through this tirade of second guessing and feeling like an idiot. I long for the day when I can overcome those anxieties and stop being so hard on myself.
I have previously had occasion when this sort of cycle doesn't even start. I am left during those times with a big question, am I really being me? I want to do the best that I can and as soon as I start to analyze the situation in which I am socially more able the feeling I get is familiar and comfortable. I need this scorn because it is part of me and pushes me to be better. Nevertheless I don't get any enjoyment out of speaking to anyone anymore. It's like we operate on completely different wavelengths. I'm the only one tuned in to this station, and instead of seeing similarities (which are usually quite shallow) all I can see in people are major differences, neither good nor bad things but incompatible.
Something's wrong.
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