It is my first post in a while, so this is probably an appropriate subject for it. I got yelled at today by a friend. He had every right to tell me off, but I suppose it was the way in which he said some things that have flagged a few disguised resentments. It's happened before with my Aunt, and my Mother. It has to be something to do with my timid outward appearance that makes people so high, they can't resist the power boost. I usually say nothing. It's not nice.
This doesn't happen for most people I assume. Clearly I have some very strange social interactions being pretty much friendless. I have been especially sad lately because the girl I liked and who I though liked me has not returned any of my messages. I think I wasn't made to have relationships, romantic, friendship, or otherwise. Overall I'm okay with that. I could live happily by myself for many many years (seriously happy not just peaceful or quiet actually living it up alone - a one man 'party' (not that parties are much fun in the first place)) without another soul. However life doesn't work that way.
All I encounter, all I can see these days, are other people's barriers. Sure I have my own but they're usually to do with social paranoia. This may be a counter attack of my social anxiety I suspected myself of having many weeks ago.
There are a lot of responsibilities and pressure on me to interact and do well, contribute to society and all of that. Well frankly I would rather operate behind the scenes. I would rather spend weeks alone developing something amazing, something like art, or lurking without speaking.
I probably shouldn't post something like this.
You can see that I internalize things a lot. You would too...
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
summer holiday summary
I may have over done it today. getting up at 8am to go bike riding with Ken at 9am. Then lots of coffee and some games. I have mainly been watching black books though. I did a little bit of drawing and painting. It's surprising how attracted my eyes are to green on red. Using very vibrant green it shows up however with my red-green color blindness it is also hidden, creating this vague effect like a blurring around the edges. It feels most like it is under the cloaking field that Douglas Adams invented. But that's just today. Heaps more has happened since my last post.
Recently I picked up a book called The Artist's Way. Although heavily Christian, despite declaring that it is not, it has excellent regimes to follow for reviving the creativity that often gets crushed living in this cruel world. I have been writing for about 1/2 an hour every morning about anything that comes to mind. Sadly this has been mostly filled with recent event scribblings like a diary. It will begin however to progress into more fantastical reference points or complete nonsense, either is fine with me - as long as it's not boring. There are numerous other exercises which I will read about. I need to go find it again in the Library.
Searching for jobs is so tedious. The advertisements need some sort of management level language deciphering. It takes about 5 minutes to read each one in my head with a comprehension of about 20% by the end of it. I mostly just read the title and check for 'required: 1 billion years experience'.
I went to my aunt's place for the weekend while it was still school holidays. We had epic fun and I got away from internet and tv for a few days. I tried doing that here and made it until about 4pm before I gave up. I was also depriving myself of coffee at the same time and I didn't eat anything after 2130 the night before so my liver could work on cleaning my blood during the night and I could fall asleep by around 2330 and wake up at 7-730. Didn't work. Will try again some other time. Anyway at my aunt's place I did a lot of reading and painting. It was so relaxing. I hope I can bring some of that state of mind back with me.
I'm going to mess with my mate's head next time we go for drinks and order something completely different like house wine or spirits mixed with soft drink. He'll never expect it.
I'm back up to 2k kgs after a bit of a slump in my go playing abilities. It was a huge help once again to play blitz games and to have someone else compliment me on my playing. That's something I need to work on in real life. Compliments are a very nice thing to dish out, but I rarely give them because by the time I've analyzed all the possible bad connotations it might have if I remark on an item of clothing or a hairstyle or jewelery the moment will have passed. Is it a bad thing to compliment someone who is older or more powerful in some way, such that they might construe it to be meaningless pandering? Or what about if it's too girly for me to say? Honestly I would rather not mind and say it regardless, however manliness is a huge thing in a lot of people's minds. Messing with their conceptions is not recommended. I need a lot of practice and maybe some confidence.
I forgot to mention all the other stuff that has kind of turned into a background thrumm of activity. I've been playing SC2 a lot and it's gotten quite boring. I want to learn to play better as the other two races, protoss and terran but it's easy to get into a rut with them. With zerg there is always something that needs to be done. p and t just waits around for most of the game, making inefficient / insignificant actions.
I rearranged my room. It is a lot more open now.
For a long time I thought about our systems of government and the effects of free trade and capitalism. This is me ricocheting off the Zeitgeist Movement movies. And essentially I think that it's one thing to delve into conspiracy theory talk with a lot of things that surely have factual evidence, but at the same time neglecting a lot of other important terms in the equation. A resource based economy is a great idea but it implies birth control through law and through contraceptives. This is not acceptable to many religious groups and how does a budding Venus Project city do trade with countries who have the resources that they need but need something in return. Inevitably that something will be money.
The gold standard was destroyed and people have been crying and complaining since, not ever fully understanding the underlying cause. As well as the spiritual implications behind the Zeitgeist Movement, a lot of the stuff about humans having so much in common with one another that they should learn to be able to see that spiritual side to every person and connect. It's a desirable ideal. Like the final words of Steven, the old worker in Hard Times, if we could only understand one another better. That would certainly make the world a better place. Unfortunately not everyone shares those same ideals. Many materialistic people or people driven by clear cut principles will disrespect mutual understanding so that they can live in the gap caused by hate and turmoil.
Enough talking about it. I will start going around in circles very soon. I think that it's not something worth dwelling on. It is better to acknowledge the possibility of a resource based economy and then do our best with what we have. The restrictions include the mindset of the elder generation. They have to be respected too. They are people and my views are not significantly better or worse than that of others. There is no proof of idea to be found. However there is important lessons to be learned. I already thought that I was a very considerate human being. I focused on problems and thought about them long and hard before coming up with any course of action. The decision would be balanced. However I was wrong in many of my decisions and they required re-thinking. Just like in statistics assumptions need to be double checked every time.
Take my words internet. Take them and do with them what you will.
Recently I picked up a book called The Artist's Way. Although heavily Christian, despite declaring that it is not, it has excellent regimes to follow for reviving the creativity that often gets crushed living in this cruel world. I have been writing for about 1/2 an hour every morning about anything that comes to mind. Sadly this has been mostly filled with recent event scribblings like a diary. It will begin however to progress into more fantastical reference points or complete nonsense, either is fine with me - as long as it's not boring. There are numerous other exercises which I will read about. I need to go find it again in the Library.
Searching for jobs is so tedious. The advertisements need some sort of management level language deciphering. It takes about 5 minutes to read each one in my head with a comprehension of about 20% by the end of it. I mostly just read the title and check for 'required: 1 billion years experience'.
I went to my aunt's place for the weekend while it was still school holidays. We had epic fun and I got away from internet and tv for a few days. I tried doing that here and made it until about 4pm before I gave up. I was also depriving myself of coffee at the same time and I didn't eat anything after 2130 the night before so my liver could work on cleaning my blood during the night and I could fall asleep by around 2330 and wake up at 7-730. Didn't work. Will try again some other time. Anyway at my aunt's place I did a lot of reading and painting. It was so relaxing. I hope I can bring some of that state of mind back with me.
I'm going to mess with my mate's head next time we go for drinks and order something completely different like house wine or spirits mixed with soft drink. He'll never expect it.
I'm back up to 2k kgs after a bit of a slump in my go playing abilities. It was a huge help once again to play blitz games and to have someone else compliment me on my playing. That's something I need to work on in real life. Compliments are a very nice thing to dish out, but I rarely give them because by the time I've analyzed all the possible bad connotations it might have if I remark on an item of clothing or a hairstyle or jewelery the moment will have passed. Is it a bad thing to compliment someone who is older or more powerful in some way, such that they might construe it to be meaningless pandering? Or what about if it's too girly for me to say? Honestly I would rather not mind and say it regardless, however manliness is a huge thing in a lot of people's minds. Messing with their conceptions is not recommended. I need a lot of practice and maybe some confidence.
I forgot to mention all the other stuff that has kind of turned into a background thrumm of activity. I've been playing SC2 a lot and it's gotten quite boring. I want to learn to play better as the other two races, protoss and terran but it's easy to get into a rut with them. With zerg there is always something that needs to be done. p and t just waits around for most of the game, making inefficient / insignificant actions.
I rearranged my room. It is a lot more open now.
For a long time I thought about our systems of government and the effects of free trade and capitalism. This is me ricocheting off the Zeitgeist Movement movies. And essentially I think that it's one thing to delve into conspiracy theory talk with a lot of things that surely have factual evidence, but at the same time neglecting a lot of other important terms in the equation. A resource based economy is a great idea but it implies birth control through law and through contraceptives. This is not acceptable to many religious groups and how does a budding Venus Project city do trade with countries who have the resources that they need but need something in return. Inevitably that something will be money.
The gold standard was destroyed and people have been crying and complaining since, not ever fully understanding the underlying cause. As well as the spiritual implications behind the Zeitgeist Movement, a lot of the stuff about humans having so much in common with one another that they should learn to be able to see that spiritual side to every person and connect. It's a desirable ideal. Like the final words of Steven, the old worker in Hard Times, if we could only understand one another better. That would certainly make the world a better place. Unfortunately not everyone shares those same ideals. Many materialistic people or people driven by clear cut principles will disrespect mutual understanding so that they can live in the gap caused by hate and turmoil.
Enough talking about it. I will start going around in circles very soon. I think that it's not something worth dwelling on. It is better to acknowledge the possibility of a resource based economy and then do our best with what we have. The restrictions include the mindset of the elder generation. They have to be respected too. They are people and my views are not significantly better or worse than that of others. There is no proof of idea to be found. However there is important lessons to be learned. I already thought that I was a very considerate human being. I focused on problems and thought about them long and hard before coming up with any course of action. The decision would be balanced. However I was wrong in many of my decisions and they required re-thinking. Just like in statistics assumptions need to be double checked every time.
Take my words internet. Take them and do with them what you will.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Just as I knew you would
It couldn't last, could it? Nothing has changed but my outlook. Suddenly my mind does not understand 'lets go out and have fun' with other people. Instead I want to stay home and crawl up into a little corner.
I am majorly confused with all of my newest relationships. The easiest to understand is the most devious and simultaneously annoying. I misunderstood something last time we met and the entire elaborate structure collapsed into a pile of rubble, then collapsed further by elementary reactions into some sort of mush like a cooking experiment gone wrong. Somehow I still believe in it, that it could work so ridiculously easily. What should I do about it? I may even be seeing the person today.
I don't know whether I've stated this before. Hope is my least favorite emotion of all time. It's like a puff of air so immaterial and yet drives everyone to do the stupidest things. I learned this the hard way.
False hope is even worse unless you know that it is false hope, in which case it becomes like a drug where you know the detrimental effects already like smoking.
Enough angsting! I have decided that I will be getting a new short haircut! I love having long hair. It's a hassle but it looks way cool. I don't know how girls manage to grow it so long and keep it that way. So I've decided that I don't actually care about devilish good looks and will be getting it cut off as soon as the sky clears and it turns into scorching heat, in about 3-4 days I expect.
NaNo post to follow :3
I am majorly confused with all of my newest relationships. The easiest to understand is the most devious and simultaneously annoying. I misunderstood something last time we met and the entire elaborate structure collapsed into a pile of rubble, then collapsed further by elementary reactions into some sort of mush like a cooking experiment gone wrong. Somehow I still believe in it, that it could work so ridiculously easily. What should I do about it? I may even be seeing the person today.
I don't know whether I've stated this before. Hope is my least favorite emotion of all time. It's like a puff of air so immaterial and yet drives everyone to do the stupidest things. I learned this the hard way.
False hope is even worse unless you know that it is false hope, in which case it becomes like a drug where you know the detrimental effects already like smoking.
Enough angsting! I have decided that I will be getting a new short haircut! I love having long hair. It's a hassle but it looks way cool. I don't know how girls manage to grow it so long and keep it that way. So I've decided that I don't actually care about devilish good looks and will be getting it cut off as soon as the sky clears and it turns into scorching heat, in about 3-4 days I expect.
NaNo post to follow :3
Saturday, November 6, 2010
A social life!?
I can't believe what is happening to me. Since when did I become even minorly popular. It's not like I have the same sort of social life as most other people, like my little sister, social butterfly that she is, but I'm meeting so many new people and right at the time when I have no time!
It's exam period. I have to ration what I do with a heavy dose of studying every day. Although the past two nights I have spent watching tv (tonight) and reading teh atlas (last night) obsessively almost for 5 hours. I spent this afternoon reading through an HSC text, English Canon I think it is called and this morning playing Dwarf Fortress after the trader gave me a bad deal and I ragequit the game that I had been playing. I had a poorly laid out fortress that was virtually impossible to defend but was successfully making adamantium goods.
Meanwhile I'm meant to be writing my novel. It has been going really well so far. I've come to terms with a lot of the 'don'ts' of NaNoWriMo very quickly - most of them are just remembered. So now I'm moving on to a seriously structured story.
What does that have to do with a social life?... well, I've met so many writers through NaNoWriMo and have been wanting so much to just spend hours chatting with some of them. I even had a dream about one, but I'll leave that as a secret so I don't frighten him/her. I may even tell the person. It should be considered an honor to be promoted to figment of my imagination! (and real life human too :P)
On top of that I have met so many wonderful people this year at university. I mean, there are only really a small number but they are so nice and full of character that it's impossible to belittle any. I need to keep in contact is what the little voice in my head is telling me.
It's exam period. I have to ration what I do with a heavy dose of studying every day. Although the past two nights I have spent watching tv (tonight) and reading teh atlas (last night) obsessively almost for 5 hours. I spent this afternoon reading through an HSC text, English Canon I think it is called and this morning playing Dwarf Fortress after the trader gave me a bad deal and I ragequit the game that I had been playing. I had a poorly laid out fortress that was virtually impossible to defend but was successfully making adamantium goods.
Meanwhile I'm meant to be writing my novel. It has been going really well so far. I've come to terms with a lot of the 'don'ts' of NaNoWriMo very quickly - most of them are just remembered. So now I'm moving on to a seriously structured story.
What does that have to do with a social life?... well, I've met so many writers through NaNoWriMo and have been wanting so much to just spend hours chatting with some of them. I even had a dream about one, but I'll leave that as a secret so I don't frighten him/her. I may even tell the person. It should be considered an honor to be promoted to figment of my imagination! (and real life human too :P)
On top of that I have met so many wonderful people this year at university. I mean, there are only really a small number but they are so nice and full of character that it's impossible to belittle any. I need to keep in contact is what the little voice in my head is telling me.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
it begins...
So yesterday I met 2 lovely new Nanoers, Elle and Andrew. I had coffee at the coffee club between Hyde park and Town Hall station with them and Nick. I complained about the price of coffee, $4.80 for a (well made) large cappuccino, and they said it was normal lol. Usually I bring my coffee to uni with me cold and black in a hip flask, for about 10 cents for coffee twice as strong and almost certainly unburnt. It was a nice change of pace from playing Dwarf Fortress all day. It started raining too, a really nice spring rain in amidst the crazy stormy weather we've been having.
I'm now lots more excited about NaNoWriMo. I was forced to plan a lot last night, with the pressure of other writers surrounding me. It was very productive and I now have some idea about the plot (for the main story - I'm going to do a bunch of short stories as well and see how far I can get in just 16.5 days). I don't want to reveal it here, but at least Nick approved of my main character that I'm the least sure about.
Andrew turns out to be a Science (Maths and Computer Science) graduate, so it was great learning about his life outside of uni. He's only been out and about for a year. He's a Doctor Who fan, like myself. I even explained how I'd love it if the companion were to be irrevocably changed by the Doctor's putting her into danger. That of course conflicts with the episodic nature of the show, but it's a great story idea. It creates a story arc like many superhero comics. Anyway, it's super cool to sit around in a cafe with similarly socially defective people. Whenever we didn't feel like talking we bunkered down and wrote as much as we could on the story. For once I felt like I fit in even though the waitress seemed very confused by it all.
I was on the train ride home and some old chinese woman noticed me making origami. I gave her 4 little folded pieces to take home. She was fairly happy about it, but I couldn't make any more than that in the time... All my origami is very complicated, so since learning that I've been searching for some more pieces I can do almost as a performance art. It helps to have someone looking on your work as an objective viewpoint, even if it is only an old chinese lady on the train.
Today has been very windy. I don't like windy days.
I'm now lots more excited about NaNoWriMo. I was forced to plan a lot last night, with the pressure of other writers surrounding me. It was very productive and I now have some idea about the plot (for the main story - I'm going to do a bunch of short stories as well and see how far I can get in just 16.5 days). I don't want to reveal it here, but at least Nick approved of my main character that I'm the least sure about.
Andrew turns out to be a Science (Maths and Computer Science) graduate, so it was great learning about his life outside of uni. He's only been out and about for a year. He's a Doctor Who fan, like myself. I even explained how I'd love it if the companion were to be irrevocably changed by the Doctor's putting her into danger. That of course conflicts with the episodic nature of the show, but it's a great story idea. It creates a story arc like many superhero comics. Anyway, it's super cool to sit around in a cafe with similarly socially defective people. Whenever we didn't feel like talking we bunkered down and wrote as much as we could on the story. For once I felt like I fit in even though the waitress seemed very confused by it all.
I was on the train ride home and some old chinese woman noticed me making origami. I gave her 4 little folded pieces to take home. She was fairly happy about it, but I couldn't make any more than that in the time... All my origami is very complicated, so since learning that I've been searching for some more pieces I can do almost as a performance art. It helps to have someone looking on your work as an objective viewpoint, even if it is only an old chinese lady on the train.
Today has been very windy. I don't like windy days.
Monday, October 4, 2010
deconstructing the rose
It is October, almost time for NaNoWriMo. I'm really looking forward to it. I don't have a plotted out story in mind yet but I'm sure it will be a good one. I have a feeling that the quality this year is going to be much higher than last. Then afterward (after a brief editing) I'll get started on the real stuff. Because NaNo this year coincides with graduation from university with a meager maths degree (i.e B Sci (Major in Maths)).
I found an origami rose in the park last Tuesday and have been trying to deconstruct it. I have restricted myself from peeking at the fold pattern and hence it is a very challenging game. Yesterday I came so close. There are a lot of basic folds on the outside, I just don't know how to twist it into shape. The flaps that are meant to form have not yet made themselves apparent. I'll keep trying, but maybe I should be doing my homework first.
I have two assignments, Dynamics and Quantitative Risk. They are both kind of simple. Quantitative Risk I will probably spend a lot of today doing, because yes it has answers, but they have to be explained in a choosy way and I take ages to choose anything. Dynamics just has answers. Wrong or right.
Yes I know I have problems interacting with people. Last Thursday I had dinner with the Unibuds Decoration department at JL's apartment. It was so much fun and I even flirted a little with the girl that I like. It's a little bit unfortunate that she is a graduate with honors and I'm still studying. I even had this conversation with a friend last weekend. Once I finish uni and get a job I know I'll be a whole lot more confident and have a more active social life. I'm still paralyzed mostly by how horrible relationships can turn out, and what people might think of me if I even suggest dating. And btw I suck at dating. I never know what to do.
no time even for this.
Smoke me a Kipper, can you do that?
I found an origami rose in the park last Tuesday and have been trying to deconstruct it. I have restricted myself from peeking at the fold pattern and hence it is a very challenging game. Yesterday I came so close. There are a lot of basic folds on the outside, I just don't know how to twist it into shape. The flaps that are meant to form have not yet made themselves apparent. I'll keep trying, but maybe I should be doing my homework first.
I have two assignments, Dynamics and Quantitative Risk. They are both kind of simple. Quantitative Risk I will probably spend a lot of today doing, because yes it has answers, but they have to be explained in a choosy way and I take ages to choose anything. Dynamics just has answers. Wrong or right.
Yes I know I have problems interacting with people. Last Thursday I had dinner with the Unibuds Decoration department at JL's apartment. It was so much fun and I even flirted a little with the girl that I like. It's a little bit unfortunate that she is a graduate with honors and I'm still studying. I even had this conversation with a friend last weekend. Once I finish uni and get a job I know I'll be a whole lot more confident and have a more active social life. I'm still paralyzed mostly by how horrible relationships can turn out, and what people might think of me if I even suggest dating. And btw I suck at dating. I never know what to do.
no time even for this.
Smoke me a Kipper, can you do that?
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
I am confuxed
Why oh why do I have to choose now to mull over the BIG questions in my mind, such as what are my goals, why are other people the way they are, what am I going to do after I leave uni, what should I take away from all this Maths???? It is becoming more and more amazing the deeper I get into it, and yet there is absolutely no time to study anything in detail.
It's partly because I have a speech tomorrow. I have no idea what my buddy is going to say, and I'm even more perplexed because our speech is meant to be mathematically based and yet it contains no maths. No equations, no graphs, nothing. My buddy is absolutely certain about his side of the topic but we're missing the entire point.
I just want to play. These are way too many pressures to put onto a 21yo.
It's partly because I have a speech tomorrow. I have no idea what my buddy is going to say, and I'm even more perplexed because our speech is meant to be mathematically based and yet it contains no maths. No equations, no graphs, nothing. My buddy is absolutely certain about his side of the topic but we're missing the entire point.
I just want to play. These are way too many pressures to put onto a 21yo.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
serious fears
I've had some time to think, while I was wondering around the suburbs north of Lewisham looking for the Aboriginal art exhibition last night. I'm ashamed to admit that I misread the address and spent the night looking for Leichardt St, Leichardt (note that there is a Balmain St in Balmain just one imaginary suburb line away). Um, besides looking around actively for place names I was also partly withdrawn into my head thinking deeply about my poor social skills. I second guess everything that I do and everything that other people do around me. I can't hold a persons stare when they are just walking down the street, although I usually prefer a lot of eye contact while conversing because I can read so much more from people's eyes than body movements... TMI? I'm going to stop the details right there.
It is a serious problem. It's the source of a lot of anguish for me, because mentally I can't get close to anyone without hurting myself through this tirade of second guessing and feeling like an idiot. I long for the day when I can overcome those anxieties and stop being so hard on myself.
I have previously had occasion when this sort of cycle doesn't even start. I am left during those times with a big question, am I really being me? I want to do the best that I can and as soon as I start to analyze the situation in which I am socially more able the feeling I get is familiar and comfortable. I need this scorn because it is part of me and pushes me to be better. Nevertheless I don't get any enjoyment out of speaking to anyone anymore. It's like we operate on completely different wavelengths. I'm the only one tuned in to this station, and instead of seeing similarities (which are usually quite shallow) all I can see in people are major differences, neither good nor bad things but incompatible.
Something's wrong.
It is a serious problem. It's the source of a lot of anguish for me, because mentally I can't get close to anyone without hurting myself through this tirade of second guessing and feeling like an idiot. I long for the day when I can overcome those anxieties and stop being so hard on myself.
I have previously had occasion when this sort of cycle doesn't even start. I am left during those times with a big question, am I really being me? I want to do the best that I can and as soon as I start to analyze the situation in which I am socially more able the feeling I get is familiar and comfortable. I need this scorn because it is part of me and pushes me to be better. Nevertheless I don't get any enjoyment out of speaking to anyone anymore. It's like we operate on completely different wavelengths. I'm the only one tuned in to this station, and instead of seeing similarities (which are usually quite shallow) all I can see in people are major differences, neither good nor bad things but incompatible.
Something's wrong.
Friday, September 17, 2010
University content
SOooo I have been reading a book called "Traders, Guns and Money" about the world of derivatives and the system of banking / stock markets etc. It complements my course on Quantitative Risk but I'm struggling. The entire subject is so convoluted, like learning english, except that this time there are meant to be some rules. We're still dealing with numbers aren't we? I'm not sure anymore.
I would like to instead spend time doing silly integration exercises for my Complex Analysis course and just to remind myself of all the things I've forgotten. At some point I'll have to face up to this weird quality of having a bad memory. Things just get pushed out after all the information I absorb on a day to day basis. Hopefully I'll be able to sustain it with exercises until the end of session, when I am due to graduate. At least now I have a little time and the motivation to complete all my assignments early.
I'm really enjoying my free time, listening to FBI radio. I find it difficult to distinguish between each of the electronic songs but I'm getting used to them. Writing down the song titles and listening proactively to where it came from helps enormously.
Today I waited until about 12:30 to have my first coffee of the day. I am pretty pathetic in that I can't go very long without one. I am going to give tea a try, since coffee seems to make me sleepy by about 1300-1400 each day. Monkeys (most mammals actually) take naps in the middle of the day in order to stay alert until the night time. It would have been best if I just stuck to my schedule. Instead I tried this during the holidays and totally screwed with my sleeping patterns.
There is an art gallery exhibition next week, Wednesday is the opening night but the exhibition really starts on the Tuesday. Ken volunteers for Amnesty International and he has organized a lot of it. Hopefully my dad will also be able to come. The theme is something from the declaration of rights of indigenous peoples, or something, and an artwork from each student about that. Even though the students are not all indigenous they have done it in the style of Aboriginal art. I love the type of abstract symbolism used by aboriginals, their depiction of river systems is the most natural form I have ever known. Using little dabs of paint on the ends of sticks they create wonderfully flowing dreamlike paintings. I have attempted a little to make some similar styled pieces myself, but there are many nuances that I notice each time I try to mimic. Their blending of color is rare but quite incredible and detailed even though it looks like a blur (as good blending should).
I would like to instead spend time doing silly integration exercises for my Complex Analysis course and just to remind myself of all the things I've forgotten. At some point I'll have to face up to this weird quality of having a bad memory. Things just get pushed out after all the information I absorb on a day to day basis. Hopefully I'll be able to sustain it with exercises until the end of session, when I am due to graduate. At least now I have a little time and the motivation to complete all my assignments early.
I'm really enjoying my free time, listening to FBI radio. I find it difficult to distinguish between each of the electronic songs but I'm getting used to them. Writing down the song titles and listening proactively to where it came from helps enormously.
Today I waited until about 12:30 to have my first coffee of the day. I am pretty pathetic in that I can't go very long without one. I am going to give tea a try, since coffee seems to make me sleepy by about 1300-1400 each day. Monkeys (most mammals actually) take naps in the middle of the day in order to stay alert until the night time. It would have been best if I just stuck to my schedule. Instead I tried this during the holidays and totally screwed with my sleeping patterns.
There is an art gallery exhibition next week, Wednesday is the opening night but the exhibition really starts on the Tuesday. Ken volunteers for Amnesty International and he has organized a lot of it. Hopefully my dad will also be able to come. The theme is something from the declaration of rights of indigenous peoples, or something, and an artwork from each student about that. Even though the students are not all indigenous they have done it in the style of Aboriginal art. I love the type of abstract symbolism used by aboriginals, their depiction of river systems is the most natural form I have ever known. Using little dabs of paint on the ends of sticks they create wonderfully flowing dreamlike paintings. I have attempted a little to make some similar styled pieces myself, but there are many nuances that I notice each time I try to mimic. Their blending of color is rare but quite incredible and detailed even though it looks like a blur (as good blending should).
Thursday, September 16, 2010
temporary tattoos
I applied a temporary tattoo to my arm today. It was a silly thing to do since I wore my heavy coat and nobody saw it. I'm hoping to show it off at least for a short time today at dinner. Ken and Judith have invited me over, Margaret will be there too. I was so happy when I discovered this little booklet of really cool little tattoo designs in a little store in Campsie. They bring back childhood memories, except that this time instead of applying little crazy faces or australian flags to my face and body (boy the neck and cheek was a mistake you only make once) I have a range of flowers, butterflies, and abstract designs to choose from!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Subwoofer Train
Today I went into uni really early. The train was packed so I hopped on the first carriage. Some loud mouthed young boys with rat tails were looking in at the driver, "Cool, I can see the tracks." Said one. In retrospect they had a good reason for peeping in. We rode in silence, the boys had left. The only sound was the faint electronica of the driver's favorite radio station muffled by the door. The song changed to some really girly RnB and the driver started singing along with it! He drowned out the lead female vocalist, rhianna or someone, I think the song was something about being high... The weirdest thing though, was that I was the only person in the standing carriage that smiled. I couldn't stop my mind from running ahead, that bus driver must moonlight as the subwoofer train, you can hear it coming by the faint doof doof radiating from the tracks for kilometers ahead.
Social phobia reared it's head again today. I couldn't talk properly to Elaine, she is always sitting with Steven, who I know is a good guy but the problem is he hardly ever smiles. So every time I talk to either of them I feel like I'm being judged, which makes it even more likely (I can feel my face contorting involuntarily into little creases of worry). It doesn't help that I get no time to speak with either of them during class. Maybe I should tag along with them after class next time, I don't know. Anyway I learned that she volunteers for FBI radio! So cool! To be able to meet all the faces behind the voices would be epic.
Umm, I've been listening to Beach House recently. They were recommended to me several months ago by the guy at JB Hi Fi, along with a bunch of other bands. For some reason I kept forgetting their name but a quick clean of my room on the weekend overturned the tiny slip of paper he had written on. They are really good, definitely not the most experimental but pleasant to listen to and some of the best indie artists I've heard. Check em out! They're on YouTube obviously!
Social phobia reared it's head again today. I couldn't talk properly to Elaine, she is always sitting with Steven, who I know is a good guy but the problem is he hardly ever smiles. So every time I talk to either of them I feel like I'm being judged, which makes it even more likely (I can feel my face contorting involuntarily into little creases of worry). It doesn't help that I get no time to speak with either of them during class. Maybe I should tag along with them after class next time, I don't know. Anyway I learned that she volunteers for FBI radio! So cool! To be able to meet all the faces behind the voices would be epic.
Umm, I've been listening to Beach House recently. They were recommended to me several months ago by the guy at JB Hi Fi, along with a bunch of other bands. For some reason I kept forgetting their name but a quick clean of my room on the weekend overturned the tiny slip of paper he had written on. They are really good, definitely not the most experimental but pleasant to listen to and some of the best indie artists I've heard. Check em out! They're on YouTube obviously!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Likes, interests?
Dear diary, upon which I spew stories to become internet trash the moment they are published. How are you? You look stunning in that new design. Don't listen to what those other sites are saying about you. They are just trying to fit in.
Today I saw Salt at Hurstville Cinema. It tickles, to say the least. There are many aspects that fit the standard formula for an action movie, including the 'don't know how to aim' shooting scenes, and ridiculously high suspense building. The story is a little different. You can't trust the main character (and only really keen readers will be able to glean a spoiler from that statement).
I signed on to facebook the other day, nothing much happens there except for the really active facebook users and they are uninteresting because they spend all their time online. It made me appreciate how much I prefer my blog.
One of the things I couldn't bring myself to complete was listing all my favorite movies, tv shows, books, music and interests. Seriously, anyone who wants to find out about me can just ask... Otherwise I'm just adding to a bunch of unreliable statistics. They are the things I should be yelling about in blog form!
kind regards,
- Michael
Today I saw Salt at Hurstville Cinema. It tickles, to say the least. There are many aspects that fit the standard formula for an action movie, including the 'don't know how to aim' shooting scenes, and ridiculously high suspense building. The story is a little different. You can't trust the main character (and only really keen readers will be able to glean a spoiler from that statement).
I signed on to facebook the other day, nothing much happens there except for the really active facebook users and they are uninteresting because they spend all their time online. It made me appreciate how much I prefer my blog.
One of the things I couldn't bring myself to complete was listing all my favorite movies, tv shows, books, music and interests. Seriously, anyone who wants to find out about me can just ask... Otherwise I'm just adding to a bunch of unreliable statistics. They are the things I should be yelling about in blog form!
kind regards,
- Michael
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Double party weekend
The last two nights have been spent socializing at my little sister's 18th birthday parties. There were two of them one for each side of the family.
I somehow got through my first party, where I had to avoid the person from whom I was sitting directly opposite. That was not difficult, I am a master at tolerance of that sort. I'm being mean here but I don't care if she was unnerved by that ability or not, I assume she did the same. I spent the night talking to my cousins mainly. Hehe, even the little one thought I was funny when I was drunk (I have a much more loose usage of this term - I had 3 drinks and was already starting to slur my words). I may have even gotten some of them interested in go.
I held the camera for a lot of the night. I need to learn to take more pictures and have a lot of throw-aways. Trying to get the best shot does not always work out well if it blurs for example. Grandad had a lot to say about his work (philosophy), which I listened to rapt. The subject matter is so much more interesting that his previous projects. He is investigating the idea that everything is interconnected from the point of view of western philosophy. It is a very old idea that never was given much attention. Basically the greeks had a god for it, Gaia.
The second party was last night, my mother's shindig at home. Some of the guys and girls there (direct friends of my sister) are very immature party types. I was glad to have a buddy I could rely on while I was there. Albert and I went into my room and played music, there is especially one song UMO by OOIOO with such a funny video clip we couldn't stop laughing for minutes after the song. I drank only spirits, even though I was looking forward to a night of wine but that's not possible with my sister's friends around.. A bit of it is still in my system and I can't think straight. I am not extroverted, and am still drained from last night. Alcohol is a silly thing, although I do appreciate being able to speak more freely and not be so stressed about saying and doing the right things the conversation is very much diminished. I prefer the opposite side of things, coffee highs will make you speak really quickly and usually coherently. We had horrible music, with excessive bass. I couldn't recognize barely any of the songs my sister had chosen. I was a little surprised because her taste in music is good.
The cake was beautiful. The speeches were a continuous stream of laughter and claps at the expense of some people's dignity.
I guess I learned a lot about how to behave at parties, but it doesn't make me appreciate them any more. I probably would have preferred to go to Bodhi Nite Thank You dinner hosted by the executive commitee, at least then I could have played around (verbally!) with the girl that I like.
The most important part of being all grown up is being able to choose your friends...
I somehow got through my first party, where I had to avoid the person from whom I was sitting directly opposite. That was not difficult, I am a master at tolerance of that sort. I'm being mean here but I don't care if she was unnerved by that ability or not, I assume she did the same. I spent the night talking to my cousins mainly. Hehe, even the little one thought I was funny when I was drunk (I have a much more loose usage of this term - I had 3 drinks and was already starting to slur my words). I may have even gotten some of them interested in go.
I held the camera for a lot of the night. I need to learn to take more pictures and have a lot of throw-aways. Trying to get the best shot does not always work out well if it blurs for example. Grandad had a lot to say about his work (philosophy), which I listened to rapt. The subject matter is so much more interesting that his previous projects. He is investigating the idea that everything is interconnected from the point of view of western philosophy. It is a very old idea that never was given much attention. Basically the greeks had a god for it, Gaia.
The second party was last night, my mother's shindig at home. Some of the guys and girls there (direct friends of my sister) are very immature party types. I was glad to have a buddy I could rely on while I was there. Albert and I went into my room and played music, there is especially one song UMO by OOIOO with such a funny video clip we couldn't stop laughing for minutes after the song. I drank only spirits, even though I was looking forward to a night of wine but that's not possible with my sister's friends around.. A bit of it is still in my system and I can't think straight. I am not extroverted, and am still drained from last night. Alcohol is a silly thing, although I do appreciate being able to speak more freely and not be so stressed about saying and doing the right things the conversation is very much diminished. I prefer the opposite side of things, coffee highs will make you speak really quickly and usually coherently. We had horrible music, with excessive bass. I couldn't recognize barely any of the songs my sister had chosen. I was a little surprised because her taste in music is good.
The cake was beautiful. The speeches were a continuous stream of laughter and claps at the expense of some people's dignity.
I guess I learned a lot about how to behave at parties, but it doesn't make me appreciate them any more. I probably would have preferred to go to Bodhi Nite Thank You dinner hosted by the executive commitee, at least then I could have played around (verbally!) with the girl that I like.
The most important part of being all grown up is being able to choose your friends...
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Unibuds Bodhi Nite
2010-08-28
I'm still dizzy from yesterday haha, no Dizzy is the (nick?) name of a guy in the buddhist society of unsw, Unibuds. Last night was their anniversary, they always put on a wonderful show with dhamma talks and choir songs. The show may only run from 7pm to 10:30, but there is a lot of preparation that goes into it. This year I came back as part of decoration department.
I was supposed to arrive at 9am, but some ill advised birdie force fed me alcohol last night! (actually the alcohol just went with the movie.. something about the rape of Nanking in b/w. The ending that I saw before going back upstairs to play SC). Then I played Star Craft until 2:30 am, with my brother watching me for the last hour or so. I kicked ass as both terran and zerg. I'm honing my terran skills because they are of course the race that I identify most with, and it's so much fun to live out my fantasies of every sci-fi book in the form of a human army.
I arrived at 11am, with lots of work to do. We pinned the gold cloth to the altar and arranged the buddha with flowers and candles around on top of it. I tended to get in the way most of the time, so I held back and let the girls do most of the work, even though they didn't know why I wasn't helping... argh miscommunication ho.
The funniest little drama happened half way through pinning the black cloth to the boards at the front of reception. We were using some of the gaffer tape and Jia Yin wanted to help. I was about to start tearing off strips from the roll of tape when she gave me a strange look 'what are you doing?' so I just gave her the entire roll of tape and figured I'd find some other way to help pin the cloth. She then, with one small piece of tape that I had torn off for her on her index finger, tore off another bigger piece and gave it to me!? We were both really confused. It was irresistibly cute and overwhelmingly awkward!
Everything looked nice, it was time to open the doors. I stood in front of the message board and offered people the pens to write messages. I met a guy called Victor in a white jacket with gold flower patterns, a long woolen scarf, fantastic beautiful wrinkles, and a camera. He was looking for interesting faces to take pictures of. He showed me a couple of convincing shots and told me to go to the state library for a photography competition that is being displayed there at the moment. I also met Mrs Lim, the wife of the founder of Unibuds. She was very nice to me. There were many other amazing people everywhere. All the while I couldn't help smiling (manaically?) I don't know how other people keep straight faces around so many other people... This is me exploring the boundaries of my social awkwardness.
Lillian, Adeline and Amy were there too, I met a guy called Jack again, we both knew eachother's faces but couldn't pin down where we had seen eachother before. Alex was helping out in catering as well, he asked me for 'innocent anime movies' and I just laughed at him ha ha ... ah. Julian (one of the only other white guys) on the piano told me about his family and how he had somehow managed to rope in 8 relatives to see the show.
I finally had a chance to get to know Ivy, one of the other members of Deco. Unfortunately Melody was practicing with choir all day and I barely had the chance to say hi... Melody is incredibly beautiful in a unique way. I like her lots. And that's all I'm willing to write in my blog about her!
After the great show, with some very inventive scripting and interjections from the little babies in the audience who laughed at all the right moments, we all went out to supper! At a place called Super Bowl (although the sign says Super Meal - the chinese speakers translate it directly from the chinese as bowl). I sat next to a senior member, Eugene, who had worked in commercial real estate. He taught me some chinese words (cantonese) that I should have known from regular interaction. Shi Ying joined us, everybody had a good attempt at eating the loads of food but we were already stuffed from the lovely cake and delicious tofu at dinner (6-7pm). It was already past midnight at this time. We took photos and made lots of noise while toasting with tea.
The night ride home was enjoyable. Nobody made too much noise, or were too crazy looking. I sat next to someone reading a book and read my own in quiet. My feet were killing me by the time I arrived home. It was nice wearing good clothes yesterday, but forgive me if I don't immediately jump back into them.
I'm still dizzy from yesterday haha, no Dizzy is the (nick?) name of a guy in the buddhist society of unsw, Unibuds. Last night was their anniversary, they always put on a wonderful show with dhamma talks and choir songs. The show may only run from 7pm to 10:30, but there is a lot of preparation that goes into it. This year I came back as part of decoration department.
I was supposed to arrive at 9am, but some ill advised birdie force fed me alcohol last night! (actually the alcohol just went with the movie.. something about the rape of Nanking in b/w. The ending that I saw before going back upstairs to play SC). Then I played Star Craft until 2:30 am, with my brother watching me for the last hour or so. I kicked ass as both terran and zerg. I'm honing my terran skills because they are of course the race that I identify most with, and it's so much fun to live out my fantasies of every sci-fi book in the form of a human army.
I arrived at 11am, with lots of work to do. We pinned the gold cloth to the altar and arranged the buddha with flowers and candles around on top of it. I tended to get in the way most of the time, so I held back and let the girls do most of the work, even though they didn't know why I wasn't helping... argh miscommunication ho.
The funniest little drama happened half way through pinning the black cloth to the boards at the front of reception. We were using some of the gaffer tape and Jia Yin wanted to help. I was about to start tearing off strips from the roll of tape when she gave me a strange look 'what are you doing?' so I just gave her the entire roll of tape and figured I'd find some other way to help pin the cloth. She then, with one small piece of tape that I had torn off for her on her index finger, tore off another bigger piece and gave it to me!? We were both really confused. It was irresistibly cute and overwhelmingly awkward!
Everything looked nice, it was time to open the doors. I stood in front of the message board and offered people the pens to write messages. I met a guy called Victor in a white jacket with gold flower patterns, a long woolen scarf, fantastic beautiful wrinkles, and a camera. He was looking for interesting faces to take pictures of. He showed me a couple of convincing shots and told me to go to the state library for a photography competition that is being displayed there at the moment. I also met Mrs Lim, the wife of the founder of Unibuds. She was very nice to me. There were many other amazing people everywhere. All the while I couldn't help smiling (manaically?) I don't know how other people keep straight faces around so many other people... This is me exploring the boundaries of my social awkwardness.
Lillian, Adeline and Amy were there too, I met a guy called Jack again, we both knew eachother's faces but couldn't pin down where we had seen eachother before. Alex was helping out in catering as well, he asked me for 'innocent anime movies' and I just laughed at him ha ha ... ah. Julian (one of the only other white guys) on the piano told me about his family and how he had somehow managed to rope in 8 relatives to see the show.
I finally had a chance to get to know Ivy, one of the other members of Deco. Unfortunately Melody was practicing with choir all day and I barely had the chance to say hi... Melody is incredibly beautiful in a unique way. I like her lots. And that's all I'm willing to write in my blog about her!
After the great show, with some very inventive scripting and interjections from the little babies in the audience who laughed at all the right moments, we all went out to supper! At a place called Super Bowl (although the sign says Super Meal - the chinese speakers translate it directly from the chinese as bowl). I sat next to a senior member, Eugene, who had worked in commercial real estate. He taught me some chinese words (cantonese) that I should have known from regular interaction. Shi Ying joined us, everybody had a good attempt at eating the loads of food but we were already stuffed from the lovely cake and delicious tofu at dinner (6-7pm). It was already past midnight at this time. We took photos and made lots of noise while toasting with tea.
The night ride home was enjoyable. Nobody made too much noise, or were too crazy looking. I sat next to someone reading a book and read my own in quiet. My feet were killing me by the time I arrived home. It was nice wearing good clothes yesterday, but forgive me if I don't immediately jump back into them.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Is it over? Can I open my eyes now?
I know Tommy Dean will join me in blind ignorance of the Australian Federal Election 2010. He said so at the special TGIF a few weeks ago. The only thing I noticed and love the thought of is that the seat of Melbourne is now secured by a greens candidate.
I made great coffee this morning (either or my body is craving it exceptionally this morning). I also have donuts, that could be a factor in the mix.
I am talking nonsense, let's start the blog post now.
Last night I drew a picture of a tree, with lots of branches. It looks stunning and is a tribute to the phrase 'practice makes perfect' wrt drawing. All I need to do now is drift further away from my anime-roots and start distinguishing people's faces and styles to make characters and be able to draw preliminary comics / stories, which I guess is where all of this is headed. I came up with a good idea last night. It's one of those things where the story all falls out simply by analysis. In this case I considered a personality type, that of the mathematician / ideologist (which is rare, since I kind of am one and usually the closest things go unnoticed) and something that a guest speaker at my Professional Issues and Ethics course said about them. They are notoriously poor at communication skills. In fact you could easily call anyone with that sort of one track mind 'stupid'... Aaaand I forget where the story goes from there :P That's probably for the best, it always feels a bit wrong when you tear a page (or chapter) out of your own book. Better to transform and rewrite the bits that you know.
Last night I discovered music blogs xD Compilations of rare music, stylistic things that don't sell, all the classics that I should learn by title and artist, etc. I wish we had the bandwidth to download some of them !! I wish I had the time to go out and buy some video games too!
I know Tommy Dean will join me in blind ignorance of the Australian Federal Election 2010. He said so at the special TGIF a few weeks ago. The only thing I noticed and love the thought of is that the seat of Melbourne is now secured by a greens candidate.
I made great coffee this morning (either or my body is craving it exceptionally this morning). I also have donuts, that could be a factor in the mix.
I am talking nonsense, let's start the blog post now.
Last night I drew a picture of a tree, with lots of branches. It looks stunning and is a tribute to the phrase 'practice makes perfect' wrt drawing. All I need to do now is drift further away from my anime-roots and start distinguishing people's faces and styles to make characters and be able to draw preliminary comics / stories, which I guess is where all of this is headed. I came up with a good idea last night. It's one of those things where the story all falls out simply by analysis. In this case I considered a personality type, that of the mathematician / ideologist (which is rare, since I kind of am one and usually the closest things go unnoticed) and something that a guest speaker at my Professional Issues and Ethics course said about them. They are notoriously poor at communication skills. In fact you could easily call anyone with that sort of one track mind 'stupid'... Aaaand I forget where the story goes from there :P That's probably for the best, it always feels a bit wrong when you tear a page (or chapter) out of your own book. Better to transform and rewrite the bits that you know.
Last night I discovered music blogs xD Compilations of rare music, stylistic things that don't sell, all the classics that I should learn by title and artist, etc. I wish we had the bandwidth to download some of them !! I wish I had the time to go out and buy some video games too!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Scribbler No.105891
The walls are closing in - scary walls with endlessly disturbing detail. The creative energies are swirling around with Terry Pratchett as my guide (the library brought in 3 more of his books that I haven't read - all discworld). I also constantly have my wacom tablet out and am drawing rigorously with that to see what sort of things I can make. My imagination when it comes to drawing things does not extend far, mainly because I don't see that many landscapes in most of the pictures I see from day to day, such as cartoons. They are all characters and obscure backgrounds like walls and doorways and the edge of a table. Really uninteresting. However I am thoroughly enjoying reading Bunny Reality over here
http://bunny.frozenreality.co.uk
and watching Invader Zim
I want to get the most out of that last burst of inspiration before university starts again.
One of the NaNo writers needs my support! She's not drinking alcohol throughout the entirety of July. I will email her now.
http://bunny.frozenreality.co.uk
and watching Invader Zim
I want to get the most out of that last burst of inspiration before university starts again.
One of the NaNo writers needs my support! She's not drinking alcohol throughout the entirety of July. I will email her now.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
a gem
I'm glad I dealt with drama before coming here to post. I could have accidentally turn this into a live journal by mistake!
Update: I've been reading webcomics, books, playing go, steeling myself for uni (which starts in under a month).
I played in the Go NSW state championship handicap division. I entered as a 2k, which is close to my actual rank, and played against opponents at 7k, 10k and 16k level. They all were given handicap stones so it was a difficult competition. Eventually I WON! bragging rights :D I even made a cool $100 out of it. Did I mention how much I love go? Well I love it even more now. Those games were incredibly tough and I had to reinvent my style to win. Since then it's been a rocky development period but I'm much stronger than I was before. It's like potential has been uncapped (not only in my playing ability but in my appreciation and understanding of the game).
Yeah, there was some drama at my dad's house recently (and with my brother less recently, but since my last post). I think it's all over now. I still have some stuff to take care of regarding my father but that's private.
Thanks to a particular webcomic and some thoughtful recommendations from the guy at JB Hi-Fi I'm listening to a whole different kind of music now and loving it. Stuff like Wolf Parade, Mogwai, Explosions in the Sky, Battles, Dan Deacon, Marnie Stern etc. I played some for Judith last night and she showed me some old-style jazz. I liked the Kansas City stuff with bass and piano.
Now the only thing I wish for is some social confidence. I have been thinking about it a lot. I am so uneasy around other people and it shows. I have to get through this and stop fighting with my self-analytical voices or I'll never be happy.
Update: I've been reading webcomics, books, playing go, steeling myself for uni (which starts in under a month).
I played in the Go NSW state championship handicap division. I entered as a 2k, which is close to my actual rank, and played against opponents at 7k, 10k and 16k level. They all were given handicap stones so it was a difficult competition. Eventually I WON! bragging rights :D I even made a cool $100 out of it. Did I mention how much I love go? Well I love it even more now. Those games were incredibly tough and I had to reinvent my style to win. Since then it's been a rocky development period but I'm much stronger than I was before. It's like potential has been uncapped (not only in my playing ability but in my appreciation and understanding of the game).
Yeah, there was some drama at my dad's house recently (and with my brother less recently, but since my last post). I think it's all over now. I still have some stuff to take care of regarding my father but that's private.
Thanks to a particular webcomic and some thoughtful recommendations from the guy at JB Hi-Fi I'm listening to a whole different kind of music now and loving it. Stuff like Wolf Parade, Mogwai, Explosions in the Sky, Battles, Dan Deacon, Marnie Stern etc. I played some for Judith last night and she showed me some old-style jazz. I liked the Kansas City stuff with bass and piano.
Now the only thing I wish for is some social confidence. I have been thinking about it a lot. I am so uneasy around other people and it shows. I have to get through this and stop fighting with my self-analytical voices or I'll never be happy.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Shinra's parts
It's time for some night time ramblings. Most of my posts are at night, that's the best time for writing! When you are on the edge of REM sleep. The chilly bite of winter has come (it's been here since last Wednesday, after an ash cloud enveloped sydney lol. It was more like an ash haze, just a little bit of controlled backburning from the ridge south west of sydney. I have been reading 4chan threads (oh no, there goes the remnants of innocence) and found a really interesting one on /b/ which outlined a bunch of cool stuff. Things such as particle physics, how to make a hobo stove, hotwire a car, reprogram a traffic signal, etc. One of the image tutorials had on it instructions for correct sleeping. Of course everyone is different in this aspect but some common things exist. For example most people sleep during the night duh. Well the point is that mammals tend to nap in the middle of the day. I appreciate knowing these kinds of things in order to get in touch with my more primal self, who knows how to climb trees and exactly why fear exists. I have been sleeping very well the past few days on this regime of a siesta before the main sleep. I have been waking up more alert, staying in a sort of optimal mood for longer into the night etc.
Of course sleep deprivation can work wonders on your creative ability but it occasionally comes with a price if you are living a standard working life (which I am not! However I do keep myself busy so mentally they are similar, minus some chemistry from the benefits of exercise). I need all the stability I can get right now to experience a feeling that shall have to pass as my anchor into old age. I always think about this type of thing, I am prematurely old without the wisdom (tautology?).
I am now a 4k on KGS and I absolutely destroyed a 3k the other day. Lucky me that that happened or else I would have gone on thinking that such high kyus are indestructible.
I am playing FFVII again. The storyline came back to me in full force and I even started thinking about earth energy and the effects of the lifestream on Cloud. Then I drifted into the realms of amnesia, mostly because the story is so difficult to follow in the first place. Cloud's flashbacks are so patchy and some scenes are mixed together to the point where he doubts his own childhood. It's a curious character trait and I wish to be able to emulate the idea behind it in my own characters (even though for now I have detracted from the story involving such a similar form of life force and extrapolated to something considerably different and from my perspective original, which I'm not going to spew out onto the interwebs today THANKYOU!). I want to be able to use it in a more realistic context. The visuals are attractive all on their own.
more w/o priority tired now
Of course sleep deprivation can work wonders on your creative ability but it occasionally comes with a price if you are living a standard working life (which I am not! However I do keep myself busy so mentally they are similar, minus some chemistry from the benefits of exercise). I need all the stability I can get right now to experience a feeling that shall have to pass as my anchor into old age. I always think about this type of thing, I am prematurely old without the wisdom (tautology?).
I am now a 4k on KGS and I absolutely destroyed a 3k the other day. Lucky me that that happened or else I would have gone on thinking that such high kyus are indestructible.
I am playing FFVII again. The storyline came back to me in full force and I even started thinking about earth energy and the effects of the lifestream on Cloud. Then I drifted into the realms of amnesia, mostly because the story is so difficult to follow in the first place. Cloud's flashbacks are so patchy and some scenes are mixed together to the point where he doubts his own childhood. It's a curious character trait and I wish to be able to emulate the idea behind it in my own characters (even though for now I have detracted from the story involving such a similar form of life force and extrapolated to something considerably different and from my perspective original, which I'm not going to spew out onto the interwebs today THANKYOU!). I want to be able to use it in a more realistic context. The visuals are attractive all on their own.
more w/o priority tired now
Friday, April 30, 2010
It's a process
Recently I've been reading Solar, drawn away from my other book "The Illearth War" by it's easy flow. Each scene is like a bunch of reflection and introspection. New information slides in randomly to tie together a portrait of Michael Beard at each stage of his life. It doesn't give you the whole story, just the need to know bits. The next turn has been strange, but I'll explain where the book was heading around half way.
This book is one of the most courageous I've read. Michael Beard is bordering on a rational, socially acceptable psychopath. He treats most people like tools and shamelessly puts up fronts to the public, seemingly unaware or dismissive of his own flaws. The book is written in a way that takes his past into account on all occasions. Each thought is an amalgamation of himself, and yet he still makes decisions so localized in time. He bases every action on the immediate circumstance and then does his awkward way of regretting it later. His 'regrets' don't affect him on an emotional level. They are just there, he's unable to change it but enough of his life is working that he doesn't have to.
The courageous part is that he totally acknowledges that he's cold and inhuman in his uncommon careless attitude to his wife or lover (he chews through many). That's not something that I've ever considered writing about (mainly because I'm not a cold person) but it's easy to think in those terms the only barrier is how socially unacceptable the content is. If anyone like Beard exists, then they keep it a closely guarded secret or else they would probably find people like his most recent wife, Melissa, reaching out to them.
That's the next stage of the book, where it turns. He truly does appear to be changing, learning what it's like to be a father and being considerate of other people. I still have a long way to go to finish the book but it feels like a requiem nevertheless. I'm interested to know how it finishes. That's the weird part. I'm not excited to read it, but have to because of the nature of the book. It must flow from page to page and so I must not leave a significant gap in-between sessions. This book has a soul, no wonder so many people are reading it.
This book is one of the most courageous I've read. Michael Beard is bordering on a rational, socially acceptable psychopath. He treats most people like tools and shamelessly puts up fronts to the public, seemingly unaware or dismissive of his own flaws. The book is written in a way that takes his past into account on all occasions. Each thought is an amalgamation of himself, and yet he still makes decisions so localized in time. He bases every action on the immediate circumstance and then does his awkward way of regretting it later. His 'regrets' don't affect him on an emotional level. They are just there, he's unable to change it but enough of his life is working that he doesn't have to.
The courageous part is that he totally acknowledges that he's cold and inhuman in his uncommon careless attitude to his wife or lover (he chews through many). That's not something that I've ever considered writing about (mainly because I'm not a cold person) but it's easy to think in those terms the only barrier is how socially unacceptable the content is. If anyone like Beard exists, then they keep it a closely guarded secret or else they would probably find people like his most recent wife, Melissa, reaching out to them.
That's the next stage of the book, where it turns. He truly does appear to be changing, learning what it's like to be a father and being considerate of other people. I still have a long way to go to finish the book but it feels like a requiem nevertheless. I'm interested to know how it finishes. That's the weird part. I'm not excited to read it, but have to because of the nature of the book. It must flow from page to page and so I must not leave a significant gap in-between sessions. This book has a soul, no wonder so many people are reading it.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
My Kick-Ass day
Couple of nights ago I had one of those semi-break-down moments after a weird day where I started raging about nothing (a lost game of go) early, and then had to live through the aftershocks. Strangely enough during that time I was able to effortlessly speed read. I need to keep that in mind next time I have a stack of books waiting (oh wait, I always have that).
I went and saw Kick-Ass at the movies on Thursday. It was fucking awesome! The casual violence is so drastically different from most movies and tv shows. It's definitely on the forefront of that shift in values. The storyline itself was imbued with moralistic considerations and emotional motivations, even so it was dumbed down for a movie-going audience. I'd love to get my hands on the comics! I was amazed at how well the story flowed, all the elements linking quite naturally together (with a little bit of assumption in the use of media broadcast as an effective messenger to the other main players in the story, along with the weird role his gf plays).
Anyway, I had an awesome day hanging out with Albert at the mall. We had so much to talk about, neither of us have very strong opinions so we just flowed from one topic to the next. It was very free-flowing and relieving. I wish I had more friends like him. :)
I went and saw Kick-Ass at the movies on Thursday. It was fucking awesome! The casual violence is so drastically different from most movies and tv shows. It's definitely on the forefront of that shift in values. The storyline itself was imbued with moralistic considerations and emotional motivations, even so it was dumbed down for a movie-going audience. I'd love to get my hands on the comics! I was amazed at how well the story flowed, all the elements linking quite naturally together (with a little bit of assumption in the use of media broadcast as an effective messenger to the other main players in the story, along with the weird role his gf plays).
Anyway, I had an awesome day hanging out with Albert at the mall. We had so much to talk about, neither of us have very strong opinions so we just flowed from one topic to the next. It was very free-flowing and relieving. I wish I had more friends like him. :)
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